God, don’t you hate it when a recipe (on the internet) has ingredients in it that you are allergic to? I mean, how dare someone cook and, holy Jesus, publicly promote a food item you are morally against? These “foodies” think they have a license to just put any ol’ recipe out there without even considering, for a second, you may not even like that food. Damn, the nerve of those bloggers with their blurry photos of all that meat, or gluten, or eggs, or honey, or lack of meat, or that damned cooked food, or raw food, or, don’t even get me started on paleo, or gluten-free, and on and on. It is sooooo annoying. Especially when you decide you don’t want to do The Slow Carb Diet anymore and now you are strictly Paleo yet people still keep insisting on promoting and even putting up blog posts and recipes on the Slow Carb stuff. Lentils? How dare you. WTF? You are done with that. Jeez.
Well, lucky for you, I can totally empathize. So, after much thought, I decided to make a recipe that will please everybody. Finally right!? It’s just a simple muffin. How can anyone be offended by a muffin? An innocent little muffin. So, no matter who comes over your house, these muffins will be sure to be a people pleaser. And isn’t that all we want out of life anyway? To make everybody happy? So, without further ado….
Please me Please Muffins (Sorry if I was supposed to capitalize the m in me)
Makes 12 muffins (If you prefer odd numbers then just make 11 slightly larger ones)
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. (If you are a raw foodist, of course, keep your oven off, that is, if you have one)
Get out a bowl made of whatever material you love and add….
3 Bananas – really ripe. Just mash em up with a fork.
(If you don’t prefer bananas or if you are mad that they are not local or if you think this may be depriving monkeys from there natural food then use a fruit from your own backyard or local co-op. If you are on the slow carb diet, well, use the bananas but don’t eat these muffins! Eat your eggs and lentils okay. Paleo? You are good so far. Yay! And remember bananas are gluten-free, raw, vegan, vegetarian and if you think raw food is bullshit then, don’t worry, we will be cooking them soon. Unless you like raw food….then definitely don’t cook them.)
Now just add….
1 Egg – organic. Mix this up with your fork
(If you can’t afford organic eggs use a cheaper one then or, even better, get one from your own backyard chickens! If you don’t think people should have backyard chickens in the city then just buy one at the store. Hens love to lay eggs. I once told my hens that a vegan friend was coming over and to please take a day off laying the eggs but they didn’t listen at all. They looked at me like I was trying to make them be cows or something! But, if you are vegan, then just use some kind of egg substitute. If you are not vegan use an egg. If you are paleo, vegetarian, gluten-free, raw food, or just a guy (or girl) who likes to eat then you are still good! If you are a fruitarean you are done. Just go back and eat the bananas. Cool!
Next squeeze in…..
2T Honey – raw. Keep mixing with fork.
(Vegans, no worries! We’re breathing…were breathing. Just use agave nectar. Give those bees a break. They work so hard. If you are mad that we were duped on agave nectar thinking it was “healthy” then use the honey…or less agave. Raw foodists? The title on my jar says RAW so we are good right? I really hope so but if not please don’t correct me. That would be hostile. Just enjoy the fact silently that I am a fool who doesn’t know the truth. Half smile even. Hey paleo peeps! Just use a little Stevia instead of the honey. Not too much though or your muffin will taste like licking a 9-volt battery. If you think everything I just said is silly then just use organic sugar…or regular sugar. Gluten-free people? I know you fucking love honey so…your welcome.
1C Flour – AP, Whole Wheat, or a combo of the two. Don’t mix yet. Just leave it.
(Okay…Wait…wait…seriously wait. Stress and anger will only hurt you. Take a breath…follow it. Now another. Sit on a pillow if you need to. Make the a-okay sign with your fingers. Go to church, temple, mass, the woods, take a swim or a jog, or whatever it is you do to feel at peace. If you can sit in full lotus by all means do so cause that is some bad-ass flexibility. Okay…we good? Still love me? Okay let’s do this. If you are gluten-free just use a nice flour substitute mix. Easy. If you love wheat but hate refined things then feel free to grind your own flour. How cool is that! Be sure to write a blog post about it if you do, though, cause you rule and everyone needs to know about that shit you just did pronto. Okay, who else? Vegans, vegetarians you’re good! Raw foodists and paleo…eh…oh, maybe try sprouting your own wheat berries or get a raw or nut flour. If you are allergic to nuts don’t use a nut flour though. Fruitareans are still enjoying their bananas so everyone is happy. Yes?)
Add on top of flour….
1tsp Baking Soda
(Guess what? Baking soda does not contain aluminum. That is baking powder silly. Yes! One less reason to get upset about a recipe today. Get a good kind like Bob’s Red Mill cause bob is a cool dude and his stuff has a little less processing involved. If you still don’t like using refrigerator deodorant in your food try to use a little yogurt and lemon juice. If you are also dairy free try cream of tartar (Whatever that is. I am already tired of wikipedia so do your own research) But I do know if you add water to cream of tartar and try to dip your fish and chips in it you will have a shitty night. Don’t do that. But, do be sure to use your leftover baking soda to brush you teeth – can you say banana-breath fruitareans? – or to clean your counters after you use it to put out the fire you may cause by grinding your flour too close to your wood-burning stove. If you love trees and want to keep them growing all over then pick another type of stove for this example but the chance of fire would be way less likely. Anyway, baking soda is some crazy weird stuff, I think we can all agree on that.)
Also add on top of flour….
1/2C Ground Flaxseed – organic. Mix dry stuff together a bit but don’t totally mix (unless you really want to.)
(If you are allergic to seeds just leave em out. If you live somewhere that will get your ass punched in the face if you inquire about flaxseeds then just leave them out as well. We don’t need anyone getting hurt over muffins. But, if you are paleo, vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, raw food, hippy, or a whole food lovin’ soccer mom then flaxseeds are your oyster. It is like a badge of honor you can wear proudly…and will. Go for it. You may piss off the other moms with your righteous flaxseed muffins but as long as you are not pissed at me we are good. Cool? Whew. Yes, it is best to grind your own flaxseeds as needed but don’t use the same grinder you use for your coffee beans. It will make your next few organic aeropress cups taste like ass and really ruin your mindset for hot yoga. If you hate that coffee beans are not local then you can smile and grind those flaxseeds to oblivion while you enjoy your tea made from stuff you foraged from your own backyard. Wow! Just don’t grind too long or the seeds start to get hot and you will be dangerously close to cooked food. Yikes!
1/2C Zucchini – shredded – Don’t stir
(Holy crap. Zucchini. The one ingredient that needs no adjustment for anyone. Raw, vegan, gluten-free, paleo, slow-carb, and everyone else. Yay zucchini! We love you….well, for now. Fruitareans are already passed out and rotting away so we can eat all the veggies we want right now. They are too tired to be mad. One less people to please. Yippee!.)
Now sprinkle in….
1tsp Cinnamon – ground
(Cinnamon lowers your blood sucrose so all you slow-carb Tim Ferris lovers be super super happy right now. Cinnamon is all good. Not a trace of gluten or anything. Tim recommends putting cinnamon in your daily coffee but, unless you want nasty cinnamon specked gums and teeth at your important meeting, I suggest adding it to smoothies or, in this case, muffins! But if you are slow carb then you can’t eat these anyway unless it is your cheat day. Paleo lovers, at this point, still don’t know that your muffins made with nut flour will probably be inedible anyway and also, I beg you, to please not tell the raw foodists that we eventually have to cook these things. Yep, baking soda in a raw food item is just cruel. You would never do it. But, for now, shhhhh. We are all HAPPY!!)
1/4tsp Sea Salt – fresh ground….or not.
(I have, at least, 12 different types of salts in my pantry right now. This is crazy! Growing up we just had salt. It was shitty iodized sodium in a blue tube but it was all we had. Now we know better. Salt can be beautiful and all sorts of colors and flavors and when you freshly grind those rocky chunks of pink goodness from the Himalayas you are a god for a few minutes. You are one with the earth. Go ahead and try and talk shit about that. Salt, salt, salt. It really brings out that banana flavor. Yum. But, if you hate sodium or all you have is that blue tube, just don’t put it in.)
1/2C Extra-virgin Olive Oil
(If you call it EVOO then, well, that is cool. Go with that. I guess. If you want to be even cooler use raw coconut oil. But, you have to melt it before adding so is it not raw anymore? Who knew muffins could lead to hours of research? Really, any beautiful healthy fat will do just nicely here. Raw or not. If you can only afford canola oil, well then, ummm, I guess…that …would be okay? If you really have to. If you are a YES on 522 then don’t use the canola oil. Use the EVOO. Or coconut oil. Try not to use only Flaxseed Oil or Argan Oil cause we know that too much of a good thing can be bad. Really bad.)
Cool. Sorry this is so much work! Now just kinda fold all that together with a rubber spatula, or wooden spoon, or whatever you have. Try not to over mix. This will make tough muffins. Okay next? What muffin tin to use? Paper cup things? Spray creepy aerosol oil on your teflon muffin tins that gave up on being non-stick years ago? Maybe use really cool cast-iron muffin tins rubbed with pasture butter? Actually, just do whatever the fuck you want. That is the point right? To keep you happy. I don’t even want muffins anymore. Feeling a little nauseous actually.
Not sure really how just simply cooking some food turned into this.
If you still want yours just bake them for 10-12 minutes. (Sorry, raw foodists, but I think you knew deep down this was inevitable.) Cool them down a second and remove using sanitary teflon gloves unless someone might be allergic to teflon then just use your clean hands. Snap a photo and share it of course.
Awesome! Now you can be happy. Yay. We did it. So….now what? Feeling happy and satisfied might be a little uncomfortable for a lot of people but really try to hold on to it. It is really okay to be happy. Look around for other things that make you happy. Find something to be thankful for. Give a nice sincere compliment to someone at random. Tell someone you love them. See how that feels. Just try it for a day. You can always go back to spewing hate and judgement on someones simple honest blog or forum tomorrow.
I am going to go eat a banana…..
Soooo….how about if you are vegan just be a really cool bad-ass vegan. That is how you will motivate other people to be vegan as well. If you eat Paleo and love throwing around kettle bells and kicking ass just do that. Be that. If you are cool and respectful then people who want to change will just show up. Guilting people into any eating/health lifestyle doesn’t work. Stop it please. But, if you or your kids have food allergies please tell everyone you know. You can’t be timid about that shit. Someone could die. If other parents make fun of you or get annoyed so what. I would rather have everyone hate me than a dead child. Duh. So, c’mon, just eat real food, however you like it.
Hey, if you eat everything and just want to buck processed foods and move closer to real food…..
Take The 1-week Real Food Challenge right here!
When I found out I could be at risk for pre-diabetes I did some research and had really good luck with The Slow-carb Diet. Bonus was I lost some body fat and felt really fit and great. Sucrose levels are down too. Try this challenge to get you started and read The 4-hour Body by Tim Ferriss. Life changing.
Pre-order The 1-week Slow Carb Diet Challenge right here! - half price for pre-orders. (100% Gluten-free too!)
Want to eat Paleo but don’t know where to start?
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